I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
