Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
