my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
