Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
