you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
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I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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