Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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