Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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