Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
