Do you still have your period?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
