My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
