clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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