I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
