I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Screwed.edu
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
