I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
