Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
