my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Shame - the story of my life.
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