My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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