12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
