just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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