Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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