I will die if light touches me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
