I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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