I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
