I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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