i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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