You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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