well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
