that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
