well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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