let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
