Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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