Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
