I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
