I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
