when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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