Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
