I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
