Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
