so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
