i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
