Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
