I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
