I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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