Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize