Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
