yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
