Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
