found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
