Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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