I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
