I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
