i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
