You were right. It hurts to walk today.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
