Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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