mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
