Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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