I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
