I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too much gin, very little bucket
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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