I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
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