booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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